On Pause

Things seem to be on pause the past few days. I know that there’s something on its way. The universe as told me so. I’ve been receiving numbers like crazy and tons of synchronicities.

It’s in these moments that karma is being sorted out and all I need to do is learn a lesson that has been presented to me. I feel that in my bones, and I even know what it is. I have to forgive myself for things I’ve been holding onto.

Some of those things I’ve been holding onto since childhood and some are newer. I either have to make amends or change my perspective. I know it’s in the past, I’ve already made amends to the people and gotten closure, but I’m holding onto the shame and guilt.

How do you forgive yourself for something you’ve not forgiven someone else for? I don’t think that you can. So I’ve discovered that my task has gotten bigger, not to mention I thought I had let it go.

The universe is telling me if I forgive and let go I will turn the wheel, this difficult cycle will end, yet here I am…stuck and all I want to do is cry. I want to forgive and move on, but my body won’t let it go. It’s really frustrating.

Devise a Plan

I’ve been receiving messages over the past few days that it’s time to form a plan. It is hard to manifest what you wish for if you don’t have a clear idea of what you’d like or where you are going. Write it down and be specific. What is your hearts desire?

Dr Joe Despenza, in his book Becoming Supernatural talks about mind movies. These mind movies are created with software and create a movie with music and quotes to acclimate your body to the frequency of what you want to manifest. You get yourself into receiving mode and play your mind movie.

I don’t intend to buy this software, but I can create a picture or day in the life in my mind and in my journal. I could make a vision board. What would that day look like? Who would I interact with. How would I feel? Really familiarize myself with what my body/emotions would feel like if I were living that life now.

It’s time to sit down and really feel it out. Come up with my plan.

Finding My Voice

How does one go about finding their voice? I have been getting nudges during my meditations, journalling and card pulls to use my voice. My abundance will come when I find my voice. This brings so much anxiety, because I have always felt that my voice doesn’t matter.

I was raised in an atmosphere where children were not valued for their ideas. I learned that fighting to be heard and sharing my opinions only got me punished or shamed. My ideas were only valid if they were good ideas, but how does a child know what a good idea is? The way that I reacted to this was to become introverted, say less, do more of what was expected. In this process I lost my authentic voice. I developed a fear of expressing my true authentic self because I percieved my worth to be determined by my ideas and thoughts.

Through this process of self discovery; of going within and confronting my traumas, I have learned that my coping mechanisms have lead me to is a place where I don’t have anyone that I connect with on a deep level. I have relationships built on external validation, internal protection, and a deep sense of lonliness. These types of connections happen when we can allow ourself to be authentic.

On the flip side, I have also learned that I am never alone. That my spirit guides, ancestors, and God are always with me. That to feel the depth of love and connection I must find myself. I must love, forgive, accept myself for the beautiful amazing woman I have become and have always been. I have learned that my worth is inherant. I do not earn it by someone liking my ideas. I always have that and so do you.

Part of this process is to share my authentic experience, my authentic voice with you. In doing this I hope to inspire others to look within, and find their authentic voice too.

Here are some things that I have been doing to get into alignment with my higher self:

Meditation – I do this daily even if it’s just for 10 minutes

Journalling – I write in my journal daily, even if it’s a list of things I am grateful for

Creative Expression – I like painting with acrylics on canvas, but you could do any mindfulness activity

Excercise/Yoga – Just moving your body, going for a walk, finding a yoga video on youtube.

Be in Nature – Literally hug a tree, take your shoes off and walk in the grass, hike, garden, lay on a beach, being in nature helps your body reset it’s frequency.

Before Bed – I list 5 things that I love about myself, just in my head

I really hope that this helps you. It will take time, and I am still discovering and learning. I really hope that I never stop.

Self Care Saturday

Our animals always take time out for self care, and they don’t appear to suffer from the guilt that sometimes goes along with it for humans. Is it no wonder that they seem happy and content much of the time.

Self care is important for our bodies and our minds to function in alignment with our highest self; yet choosing it over helping our friends and family, or completing some chore or errand may be seen as selfish. This can cause feelings of guilt and shame to surface.

I would like to challenge all of us to change our perceptions about self care and choose show ourselves love and compassion with acts of self care daily.

Today I decided to start with self care. I did my yoga, meditated, wrote in my journal. I’m lucky if I do just one of these things on a normal day, I’m glad to report that I feel balanced and centered as well as inspired to do the other things that require my attention today with a happy heart.

Making an Introduction

Hello, my name is Gretchen. I have decided to share with you my journey of self discovery. It’s been long overdue.

I am 46 years old, I’ve lived most of my life by other peoples rules and expectations. I know that my parents and grandparents did their best. I want to make that perfectly clear. I love them so much for everything they have taught me and shown me along the way. I would not be who I am or even on this path if it weren’t for them.

Just to give you a bit of personal history. I am the oldest child of my parents. They were both in their early 20s newly married and I came along a year later. My dad was a child of an alcoholic and an alchoholic himself at the time. He would find recovery a few years later after the birth of my sister. On the heels of that would be their divorce. I lived with my mother who was very young at the time going through her own emotional rollercoaster. She worked evenings which would lead to numerous babysitters and never feeling safe when I went to sleep at night.

Fast forward a few years my mother would meet her second husband. He was 9 years her junior and 11 years older than me. This was a hard dynamic for me, and I did not feel safe with him either. He had a temper and sometimes a cruel sense of humor. During this time I spend lots of time with my maternal grandparents who were the rock I needed and gave me the stability I craved. It came at a price, that I am just now discovering so many years later.

That price was my losing my voice. Children were supposed to be seen and not heard. I did so much to please them, but as a small child I interpretted that as my thoughts and ideas were not valuable. My outword expressions turned into inward struggles against my true self. I developed depression, low self esteem, and later anxiety.

I married my high school boyfriend who had issues with anger, and who on so many occassions triggered my feelings of abandonment and worthlessness. I became co-dependant to his emotions and feelings. I lost connection to myself even more. We divorced after 16 years of marriage. That was in 2017. After a few failed relationships that have followed in the past few years, I am finally taking the time to work through the trauma’s of my childhood, family traumas, and baggage carried through my marriage.

I hope that by sharing what I have gone through can help other people discover and recover. Welcome!

Meditation – Download

Today I woke up early by a half hour. Normally, I would just roll over and savor the last 30 minutes before the alarm. The universe had other plans. I’ve been making a conscious effort to listen to this advice. I took a moment, sat up and began by asking my angels and guides to protect me while I spend a moment talking to them.

To my surprise during my meditation I discovered that I am happy. I am solidly happy with life.

From a very young age I was taught that you should never be happy with what you have, that wanting more was where I should focus. I was always comparing myself to my friends and family. Always trying to prove my worthiness. Do better, have more goals, be the best at this that and the other.

On my spiritual journey I have learned that we attract what we put out. If I am living in a frequency where there are not enough resources and I don’t have enough, then I am attracting more of that. So, the past few days my meditations have been focused on the gratitude and satisfaction of all the things I do have. Then something inside of me clicked into place this morning,and I felt at peace and whole. In that moment I realized I am happy. The feeling has not left me, all day. I will continue to process this and journal. More to come.