There is one simple shift we can make in our lives that will have a profound impact on how we see or view ourselves and others. We can replace judgment with curiosity.
First, you have to recognize when you are judging yourself. This can be difficult at first, but a trick that I have found that works is being present with myself and recognizing anytime I feel shame, guilt, regret, or frustration. Those are usually the times that I am judging something I did or said. Once you are able to notice the feelings, you can get to the root of it.
Why am I feeling this feeling? Other people don’t make us feel our feelings. Feelings are a reaction of our own mind interpreting what is happening externally. Our mind filters everything through the lens of our past and our experience. If we have unhealed core wounds, then everything get’s filtered through those wounds. We end up projecting that onto the people and situations around us.
The next time you notice that you are judging yourself, calm your mind and start asking questions. Try not to assume the answer, just get curious. Be an observer. This has been the most helpful tool, and we all have it in our tool box, but it has to be developed through practice and repetition.
Here’s and example of how this works. Let’s say that you have a fight with a loved one and you do/say something impulsive that you regret later. You begin to feel regret and shame. You feel stupid. Start asking yourself why do you think you are stupid for acting impulsively? Did caregivers shame you for doing things impulsively as a child by calling you stupid. Did you see other people shamed for being impulsive? What are you telling yourself? Are you stupid, or did you just do a stupid thing? I can say with complete confidence that it’s the latter 100%. After we recognize the self judgment, then you can move on to why do you do impulsive things.
There’s so much to unpack, but the interesting thing is when we begin to unpack those things we begin to understand ourselves better, we start treating ourselves kindly, and others too, because we begin to understand we are not the judgmental things we are telling ourselves. When we have reactions to things it’s filtered through the lens of our experiences. If we can understand what we are experiencing and be present with ourselves and curious, we can begin to change behavior patterns that keep us stuck. Things that keep us reactive.
This growth doesn’t happen overnight, but I promise you it will be worth the effort. Breaking toxic patterns helps everyone; ourselves and everyone we come in contact with.
I would love to know what you all think about this idea. Leave me a comment below.
